i know this much

Here I am, just this small dot in the world really. A minuscule. Compared to it all, I am nothing. But I guess everyone is something, even if a small something. At least, we have the potential to be something, but when it all comes down to it, I think we tend to blindly turn away from that opportunity.

We can choose our surroundings, to an extent. Choose the people you want to affect, and be affected by. Choose the places in this world that need your help, and go there. Find ways to help, to help the people who need it most and give yourself selflessly to the notion of doing good. Live with love. Make your life have purpose.

Or stay sheltered in your tiny home in the middle of nowhere. Sit on your couch and watch tv, eat pizza, go to school, get a job, work for the man, grow up and die.

Die without accomplishment. Die holding on to the materialistic things we are trained to love. Die without ever really helping someone. Die without knowing how blessed you are.

We can't choose our own destinys, but we can get up and go out into the world with our starry eyes full of hope and wonder. We can find the things that rip our souls apart and try to change them. We can find something worth fighting for and give it our all.

We're only given so long on this earth, some longer then others, but we all die. We are all going to die, and nobody knows what's next. Heaven? Maybe. Eternal darkness? Maybe. Hell? Who the heck knows really, but in my uncertainty I tend to stay away from Hell. If nobody really knows, there's no point in hypothesizing about the worst possible case.

(And really, I think it's incredibly sad that some people need the punishment of hell to keep them away from doing bad things. Do good for others, because it is right. Not because you're scared of going to hell- but I guess that's a whole 'nother subject...)

But my point is, if we only have so long, we should take control of our lives and LIVE. We should be doing something worthwhile instead of sitting here watching time go by. We should go and feed the hungry, heal the hurting, join hands with other individuals willing to help and change the injustices in the world. We should make this precious time matter!

But I also think, because in the grand scheme of things we are nothing, that we should embrace and hold near to our hearts the little things. The tiny miraculous moments that have touched my life and made all the hard stuff worthwhile. Like when we walked through the night, giggling like crazy in our fancy party attire and I was singing Minnie The Moocher, one of you was quoting Hamlet, and the other was laughing at my singing. Or when you told me that you were engaged. Or those times when I was little, and we all went backpacking to the coast and slept on those hammocks we made out of old fishing nets. When I kissed my little cousins goodnight, when I adopted my dog, when we played hide and seek and I was small enough to fit under your sink and you never found me, when I held the baby's tiny hands as she started taking those tiny shaking steps, when I danced up on that stage in the bright spotlight, when you wrote me that letter saying how much you loved me.

Most of us amount to nothing, but it's those small things that make it okay. It's those small things that keep us going and keep our light shining through the dark. Darkness will consume without consideration, but it is the perseverance of the people to push back towards light. The sky might break and fall on our heads, but we could stitch it up and put it back in it's place. There are so many faults, in the world and in our hearts, but we have this resilient power to heal. In all the moments when I thought I was surely going to die, I survived. My existence amazes me sometimes. Really, how am I still here? How did I get through all of that? The thing is, pushing through that darkness makes the light even brighter. All that suffering I endured made me strong. Those scars on my body have only strengthened my soul. I have suffered, and maybe I'll suffer some more, but as it breaks me it also makes me strong.

So I guess my point is, I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do with my life, but I know I want to make a difference. I know I will always hold onto those little moments that I love so dearly, and I will continue to push towards bigger things.

Save the world, but don't be afraid to take a kitty out of the tree while you're at it. Hug your sisters and brothers, give and let yourself receive love, walk barefoot sometimes, dance when there is nothing else left in your soul. So maybe I won't save the world, but I'm not going to sit in front of the tv and eat Mickey D's until the day I die. Maybe I will end up in Africa. Maybe I will go to medical school. Maybe I'll have children and teach them what it really means to live. Maybe I'll save another life, like I once saved yours. Maybe I'll look up to the stars and name each one, just as I always have.

Or maybe I will save the world.

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."
--William E. Henley